A place for me to voice how I feel

A lot has happened

The first step in blogging is not writing them but reading them.  Jeff Jarvis

Hi fellow bloggers

I saw this today and thought yes, I need to do this, so I have just read my blogs. Interesting, funny and brings it all home about life.

Today, though, my blogging is about me. I have had a minor breakdown. I just couldn’t cope anymore. Carer’s Support Service in Bendigo have been so helpful. They sent me to a lovely little B&B about 45 mins drive away from home for two nights. It was lovely. I never ate so much good food in such a short space of time. I went for little drives around the district and did some sight-seeing and window shopping. I did a little stitching and most importantly, I did it all alone. That was what I needed. To be alone, to do as I pleased, when I pleased. I watched TV, the shows I wanted to watch. I had control of the remote. I had the TV on, the computer on and no one complaining that I was doing two things at once.

I got up when I wanted to, even though breakfast was brought at a normal breakfast time. I ate, woke up, then went back to bed, because I could. I turned the TV around so I could watch it from bed…a huge king size bed. I sat outside on the patio to have a cuppa and look at the view, listen to the birds and just notice the odd bit of traffic noise. Very quiet.

While I was sight-seeing, I picked up a few little niceties along the way. I visited a Lavender Farm, enjoyed the lovely quiet farm-like peace, took some pictures and bought a bunch of lavender. When I got back to the B&B, I broke the bunch up into smaller portions. I gave one to mum, she loves lavender and I made a little sachet to put in my journal, along with a few brochures of where I had visited. I saw beautiful Begonias in bloom. I saw lots of national park-lands. I visited mineral springs where you can bottle up natural spring water for free, just bring your own bottles. I walked around gardens, and looked in interesting shops. Mostly I enjoyed the driving and the freedom to do as I pleased.

When I came back to Bendigo, I had been invited to a Carer’s Forum, which meant nice surroundings, free morning tea and lunch. I had an enjoyable time. I shared about my breakdown a little, and my time away and how it affected me. I shared my thoughts on what supports for us as carer’s we needed to have available to us. I got to know some other people in caring positions as well as others who were being case managed and they gave their thoughts and feelings about the service they receive. All in all it was good. I shared my experiences with Carer’s Support Service for the last 4 years, how their assistance in helping me start journalling had broadened into my internet interests and blogging, being much the same as journalling. The organization thanked me for giving them some bright new ideas on how to assist us carers more.

I also got to meet some of the team who look after Case Management Services. I have been referred to them for our current situation, being me breaking down and not coping with life in general because of my caring responsibilities.

When I got home, I was expecting a clean house because Kim said that her and Pat cleaned up all day Monday, when I first left to go away. I was so proud of them for doing that. But, when I got home, it was much the same. It was then that I realized that my job as carer of my two charges was just that….caring for everything they can’t. Even though there were obvious signs of them having cleaned up, it was back to the usual mess. I also realized that yes this house is way, way too small for us as a family. I cannot ask Kim to leave again, it is her home too. But, we cannot live in this tiny house.

The lounge room had been cleaned, vacuumed, tidied up, but they had 2 whole days of use for it to be filled again with cups, bottles of drink, empty plates with cutlery, packaging from chocolate, ice-cream, kfc, etc. The kitchen had most of the dishes washed and put away, but where did they put them? I couldn’t find them where they belonged, except for the cutlery and utensils. The kitchen table was full of dirty dishes, and cooking pots and dishes. They had a couple of friends stay overnight, and that was fine, so the divan was down for sleeping on, alcohol boxes on the kitchen table and shopping bags all over the floor.

So, now I know. They do make a lot of mess, and I am always cleaning up after them. I am always busy, on my feet, doing things for them, because as much as they are capable of doing it all, they just don’t. No matter how much I ask them and tell them to help, they only do it on their terms. Their terms do not help me. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate it when they do clean up, or pick up after themselves, but it is not consistent enough to help me stay out of my depression.

Kim and Pat are such funny people. They make me laugh. We have fun. But, bottom line, I cannot cope because I am so tired. I want to be just like them, no responsibilities, no worries, just live each day as it comes. Hakuna Matata!

Well, time has come to take responsibility seriously. I need to get dressed and take my meds and clean up yesterdays mess. Oh well

Dianne

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